Skip to content

If you really cared, I wouldn't need to ask

Is there an attachment style associated with this type of belief? The belief that help only counts if it's offered spontaneously, and that having to ask for it invalidates or diminishes its value. Does it come from childhood attachment, or just adult relationships (adult attachment)?

Another description for this belief is an inverted bid for connection - avoiding making the bid because you believe genuine care should be intuitive, not requested. It's a test of attunement, and when it doesn't come, reconfirms the belief of not being loved.

In therapy it is described as a fantasy of unconditional availability or magical thinking about care. It can however be a result of a lack of attunement by a parent or partner - for example the partner genuinely doesn't care (or it's intermittent or only when asked, so on demand).

In attachment theory, a securely attached person has the following beliefs:

  • Asking for help is normal communication. It shouldn't be or need to be a test or sign of failure.
  • Others can't read minds, and it doesn't mean they don't care.
  • But importantly - being able to distinguish between someone who cares but didn't notice vs. someone who is genuinely neglectful or emotionally unavailable.
  • Can accept help without feeling shame from asking.
  • Tends to ask for help more readily, seeing it as practical information exchange.

Which type is silently waiting for help?

John Bowlby and then Mary Ainsworth (1978) described 3 types of childhood attachment styles based on the Strange Situation experiment:

  • Secure
  • Insecure: avoidant. The child doesn't care when the parent returns having left the room.
  • Insecure: anxious. The child is pre-occupied when the parent is away, and angry with them when they return.

Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986) added a 4th type, insecure: disorganised. This is a combination of both types of insecure attachment, and is linked to mental health problems and particularly personality disorders as an adult. This paper on attachment styles in ASD adults is a meta study, and concludes ASD is comparable to the general public for insecure attachment.

Adult attachments styles, for romantic relationships, was described in Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). "Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

They were the same a the childhood types by Ainsworth, relating to how a person reacts to their romantic partner leaving.

A different framework for adult attachment, by Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991), defines 4 types:

  • Secure
  • Preoccupied (high anxiety, low avoidance)
  • Dismissing-avoidant (low anxiety, high avoidance)
  • Fearful-avoidant (high anxiety, high avoidance)

But which type is the 'silently waiting for help' one?

Assuming it's not a neglectful parent or partner, one that isn't attuned to the child or partner's needs - it would be anxious in childhood but fearful-avoidant in adult attachment.

There is an element of an avoidant behaviour - waiting for a connection by the parent/partner that never arrives. This is a cycle between hope and disappointment. As a child this is a neglectful, mis-attuned carer and the child would be stuck as they have no options available to them.

Staying engaged in a similar dynamic in an adult relationship, rather than leaving the relationship, denotes a fearful-avoidant attachment style.