Notes from Sam Vaknin on Narcissism

(From 2023 - https://www.youtube.com/@samvaknin)

Basic test for Narcissism (pathological or traits of)

Does the person exhibit the following?

Remorse
A normal person will show a modocom of embarrassment and repeatedly and publically show remorse. This is contrasted with fake/feigned remorse that is always private and fleeting. When challenged they will becomes angry. Healthy people have remorse that is long lasting.

Remediation
Normal people will attempt to fix and make reparations that bare some relevance to what went wrong. Narcissist will minimise their wrong doing, and show an insultingly low amount of remeditation. Or often just not offer any at all and deny what they did. Remidation and remorse form a normal healthy mind: "wiedergutmachen" or making it good again.

Restoration
Giving the victim closure and allowing them to go through the abuse and if possible they can forgive you and move on. A restored sense of justice and allowing them the ability to trust again.

Mentally ill vs mentally healthy definition

Mentally healthy people:

Control their impulses;
Are aware of the consequences of their actions;
Choose always to minimize harm to others and to themselves (self-love and empathy).

Coping methods employed by someone living with a Narcissist

Being subservient to the narcissist
Countering (fighting back against the narcissist)
Mirroring the narcissist
Displacement - teaming up to abuse a 3rd party to get rid of the abuse against you, e.g bullying a child, projecting it onto the child.

Intermittent reinforcement

https://youtu.be/-PjtJeMvsFI?si=31tmfH196zNiffmV
(false hope, approach avoidance)

This appears in the form of being very loving, and then being indifferent or unkind - a form of classical conditioning (also respondent conditioning and Pavlovian conditioning). There are 4 types -

Fixed interval - a message or behaviour which can be bad or good. E.g. Every two weeks something good happens (or bad). The victim develops abuse tolerance.
Variable schedule - unpredictable. The victim receives the reward or opposite and it's delivered abruptly - the unpredictable nature makes it stronger. The idea is to create and then relieve your anxiety.
Fixed ratio schedule : affection after several responses from the victim. They also want a rise out of the victim that is visible from what they're doing. This is akin to Pavlovian conditioning: the pain is anticipated and is craved to get the reward. E.g. 5 crying responses or 2 self harming and then empathy is given.
Variable ratio schedule: as the fixed ratio schedule but not fixed. Once, then maybe 7 times.

Ultimately the victim becomes more amenable to manipulation, and trauma bonded.
Mentally ill people bond, NT people just walk away from abuse.
Mentally ill objectify people rather than treating them as people.

Rewriting history between you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asYPvno0xbw

Why they can't hear you or understand what you are saying

A form of Attention narrowing, but it's not the ASD/Autistic type
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYtibMbpa3M

Commitment asymmetry & Effort reward imbalance

Why is the effort in the relationship often one sided, or when it's balanced this is spodaric?
https://youtu.be/4qkBQantzp8?si=OM60VGpGRYnQ3ZgX

Trauma Bonding in the relationship

Trauma bonding

There is power asymmetry in the relationship, often one sided and intermittent: morning hot, then an hour later cold or indifferent (e.g. attention narrowing).
The other will confuse intensity with truth
The other will confuse attention for love, e.g. jealousy. The other will dread being lonely (BPD/ASD).
Self-justify it - "I got what I deserved", "the abuse is happening for a good reason", "I had it coming" (bad self object)
Or minimised, or state dependent memory. Forgetting. Or the abuse isn't very frequent, it's ok. Malignant optimism. Autoplastic - self blame.
Betrayal trauma (@10mins) - betrayal trauma blindness : when the other is not allowed to communicate the breach of trust, or negative emotions.
Can't express your experience to someone you depend on in a crucial way. Denial and repression lead to severe mental health outcomes - dependency & mental health.
Trauma bond is the strongest bond we know, more than mother-child because of multiple psychological needs, you're hopeless.

Videos and summary titles

Histrionic personality disorder cross-over
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y4B8rgoqDI
Needs attention so creates drama
Uses sexualised behaviour/language where inappropriate
Shallow affect (little or too much emotion to a situation)
Absorbed with physical appearance and excessive grooming, exhibitionism
Impressionistic (exaggerated) speech
Suggestible & follows fads
Considers friendships closer than they really are e.g. using a nickname for someone having just met them.

3 Mantras to say every day
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKJ9Aa0YoiE

Trauma bonding, betrayal trauma (~10m)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAPAVC4_sOw
Causing a trauma bond

Secondary supply & empathy
Only 2 of the 4 "S" needed - safety, supply (sadistic or narcissistic), service, sex
https://youtu.be/v_m-uOyZqwY?si=MjHEmEXAvYl9yErM

Intermittent reinforcement (false hope, approach avoidance)
https://youtu.be/-PjtJeMvsFI?si=31tmfH196zNiffmV

Covert Narcisist and Covert Borderline relationship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FonsjXlf_I0

Narcisist families: Pseudomutual, Pseudohostile
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gEjo37S5Bw

Commitment asymmetry & Effort reward imbalance
https://youtu.be/4qkBQantzp8?si=OM60VGpGRYnQ3ZgX

Sadistic abuser
https://youtu.be/suq2H_FyaHI?si=urR-YsSayLQi8Akt

Pseudoidentities
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSCOl0_CUuw

Why they can't hear you or understand what you are saying
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYtibMbpa3M

Switching
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrISNGzMdp0

Why they never say sorry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Mjmr-9pt7M

Silent treatment, how to tackle it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyux-0NfBAc

Introject constancy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKSlbr0yuEk

The shared fantasy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp3YFC0OQfU

NPD as a Virus
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVxzztuv96Y

Common phrases decoded
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWERR6Iev8E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IritJMUivE

One night stands and casual sex
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c63VKv6byXY

Acting Out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZt6KaGROU4

Signs of Narcisistic abuse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAcm_qqw9ts

Covert narcisism and pyschopathy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i-BzCKdzSU

Covert narcisism and sadism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beIvpL4Fz4E

Disolve your snapshot
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5TA-ayGwdM

Mortification
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnQ0mRHk9Kg

Hack your mind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r4R-YCRguo

Autistic and Dereistic Thinking
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5E1ZE3qXv0

Reality testing, reality principal
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R77ofZW99LE

Attribution error
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xKWS_sk10E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9xtvlHcVeI

Hoovering
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnJ9Bf7kMwc

Collapse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd9qyjiE2jI

Long distance Relationships
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW5UA6CDcCE

Autoeroticism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BM16h-l2oQ

Rewriting history
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asYPvno0xbw

Effort Reward Imbalance
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qkBQantzp8

Repetition Compulsion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJTjtoKGCYo

Hatebombing with Malignant Narcissisms
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD93sQn-AcY

Why they pretend to be stupid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gt6IfAc1a5A&

Borderline and Covert Borderline
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttCH2QYSZ8k

Sado mashochism
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suq2H_FyaHI

Selective memory
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQpS-oZsH7I

Transference and counter-transference
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwVL-X_TRDo